Switching Cafes Will Not Fix Your Focus

Unconscious wishing can be one of the most dangerous things you do.

It’s why I couldn’t be satisfied with my current state of being and why I would keep going back to consumptive and misaligned behaviors like scrolling, YouTube, snacking, or other forms of avoidance.

Because if I do not confront the unconscious voices in my head and heart that wish I was in a different place at any given moment of time for any given reason no matter how attractive the wish is, I will reenter the negative feedback loops that continue to lead me to misaligned consumptive behaviors.

This is what led me to constantly rotate between different work environments but not ever truly establish focus in any of them.

It reminds me of a time I was in my office in Pleasanton California working as a research scientist in the genetic sequencing field.

I was in a quiet office without windows with yellow beige walls with two other guys I worked with.

We called it the meat locker because it was full of dudes without any fresh air.

That said, we weren’t normally in it because we were usually down in the lab building or doing experiments.

It was 2pm on a Wednesday during the summer.

The skies were clear blue over a perfect, not-too-hot afternoon.

And I was on Surfline looking at the surf in Santa Cruz.

(For those of you who don’t know, Surfline is an online feed of video cameras of local surf breaks, so you can check the waves without having to drive there and look yourself).

They had a color scheme that showed how good the waves were at a given time.

It went from blue meaning bad to yellow orange and then red meaning the best.

Orange was like “yeah, if you can go, you should go”, whereas red was more likely “You should call in sick at work.”

And today, today the scale was “Red – go surf”.

On that small 6 inch window browser open on my laptop in a stale office I was watching people fly across 7 to 9 foot walls of cold water on a crisp summer day

I felt anxious.

Really anxious.

I wished I was anywhere but in that office.

I even liked my job.

I thought it was rad.

I did cool shit with smart colleagues and contributed to some legit patents in a field of research that I am passionate about.

But compared to the waves on my screen in that moment, all I wanted was to be anywhere else.

I just sat there staring at my screen.

And I eventually moved to Instagram to numb the discomfort.

Proceeding to do quite literally no work the rest of the day.

Skipped my workout later.

Went to a happy hour with my colleagues because at least that made it feel like I was doing something.

In my mind, the beer or two probably “helped” the anxiousness

(It did not, it just added to the blubber around my waist that was starting to build up from these kinds of moments)

I tried a couple things in order to try to make myself feel better in these kinds of moments back then.

I would switch my environment every couple hours.

“If I just change where I am, then I won’t have this feeling of staleness. It will probably actually help my mind with some new air and surroundings that will stimulate my focus and energy.”

Nope, this just led to me starting to switch my environment more often than every couple hours, which actually led me to start being more avoidant of my work.

So maybe it isn’t the environment, but that I’m just not focused on the right task.

“This task isn’t it, I must feel this way because I’m not doing the right thing right now.”

So I spent time planning and prioritizing and organizing, trying to make sure what I was doing in that moment was exactly right.

Which led me to overthink and get overwhelmed by the fact that almost nothing felt exactly right.

Straight back to avoidant scrolling.

Okay, if it wasn’t the environment or the prioritization, maybe I just needed to better optimize the environment I’m in and the way that I approach these feelings.

“If I just set myself up better, I’ll be able to lock into my focus no problem.”

And so I meditated a little more regularly, I tried quiet or classical music, I turned my phone off, I set up timers, etc.

And some of that stuff helped! (And continues to help, more on this in a moment)

But now I was questioning all these optimizations, because sometimes I was straight back onto Surfline, onto my phone, avoiding the work that I knew I needed to do (and also wanted to do, to be clear).

Well, if those weren’t all the right things, I just need to remind myself of where I’m headed and why this work is important to my career and my future,

The possible promotions and papers and patents and money that I would get in the future.

But… that further exacerbated my unease because now all I was doing was spending my time thinking about the future and not being in the present, which was exactly my issue in that moment:

Wanting to be somewhere or sometime else.

To explain, let me fast forward.

I have dramatically changed my life.

I run my own business helping people and building tools and technology in a field I am passionate about.

I am in Ericeira, Portugal right now, spending long 10-12 hour work days building with my free time spent in the ocean, on local trails, in local yoga classes and saunas, and sitting on the beach in the park or on my couch reading inspiring and interesting books.

I just spent the last two months in Chile in South America, also in a small surf town doing basically the same thing.

Building community in different languages.

Waking up feeling free.

In good shape with a strong heart and the strength to pursue the physical activities I love.

I feel so privileged for all of this.

Don’t get me wrong, I have many anxieties and worries from building my business, it’s still a high-risk venture that is a complete bet on myself with lots of twists and turns as I learn how to grow a business by doing tons of things I have no experience in.

Life is good and free and fun.

But something funny happened that actually inspired me to write this story.

Which was I was my first week here in Ericeira, I found myself sitting in a coffee shop looking at Airbnb instead of working.

Before that, I had moved between two different cafes because my home office was feeling a bit stale.

The first cafe didn’t have wifi so I moved to the next one (even though I didn’t need wifi for the work I was doing.)

Recognize the pattern?

I was wishing I was in the right workspace.

I was wishing I was in the right place in the world.

I was avoiding.

The difference between now and the story I told earlier in my life, is that I understand this pattern now.

I know it especially well as an adventurous person.

I have used Airbnb and travel websites compulsively before.

Just like I was using Surfline in that previous story, subconsciously living vicariously through those waves streaking across my laptop.

Here’s the point:

Even if I was in a beautiful place here in Portugal, even if I had freedom and time and was working on something I loved and I was healthy and happy and loved and loving and reading and ALL OF IT

Even if life felt so perfect in so many ways:

My mind was falling into the pattern of wishing I was somewhere else.

Not in a big loud, conscious way,

But under the surface, because of small things.

Yes, the wifi wasn’t perfect.

I was jet lagged from the plane flight.

Feeling a bit lonely in a new place where I knew no one.

Bloated from the late sleep and relatively poor nutrition from the plane meals and the on-the-go food from the travel, the caffeine, and maybe a little less water than I would have liked to stay hydrated.

A bit insecure from not having reached the heights the success I want.

Plus many other things.

There were many emotions and small obstacles that I faced in that moment, and because I wasn’t acknowledging them and accepting that they were true, but not bad, under the surface my mind led me to want to be somewhere else.

Even if right where I was… was perfect.

Because it is perfect.

Not because it actually was –

If I was perfectly hydrated and fed and slept and rolling in beds of 100 dollar bills and flying on private jets, or whatever, it would theoretically be “better”

But that’s the point here:

Knowing that where you are right now is the perfect place to be is an internal decision and a mindset, not a result of external factors.

Even on that private jet with that Fortune 500 company, with 8% body fat and all that “stuff”…

My back might hurt…

My friends might be upset with me…

The responsibility of that business might overwhelm me…

Etc.

There is no external situation that precludes suffering.

I became aware of it again in that moment.

I laughed at myself.

I was sitting there with a bit of a sunburn after laying in the sun with a cappuccino.

I had made some new friends the day before and gone to the beach.

We had laughed as we walked and watched adorable and old hunched over vovô e vovó (grandpas and grandmas in Portuguese, still no idea how to pronounce that) walk down thin cobblestone streets with their tan, stretched skin that I’m sure were the product of thousands of past laughs and stories as they walked down these same streets.

I had just explored a new town with massive orange brown cliffs and small white buildings with orange roofs and bright blue accents.

There were massive dark blue green waves from a recent windstorm.

The breeze was cold and the sun was warm.

I had a full day of work that I was excited to pursue.

Life was fantastic in that moment.

And I was unconsciously anxious, trying to escape it.

That anxiousness I felt in that moment that led me to an avoidant behavior came from needing where I was to feel perfect.

If it didn’t feel perfect my subconscious started wishing I was somewhere else, even if where I was perfectly fine and good (or even if it was fantastic like I just mentioned).

This is why we insert ourselves into videos and images on social media and over-plan and overthink over prioritize, over-optimize, and why we lose our focus and our effectiveness…

Because under the surface we allow discomforts, from massive discomforts to even those most trivial and small ones, allow us to wish we were somewhere else.

But the anxiousness wasn’t caused by my environment.

Or by the task.

It was caused by my internal state and reaction to them.

Because there are no external situations in life of extended content and pleasure.

None.

Not for you,

Not for me,

Not for the richest man on earth,

Not for the fittest man on earth,

Not for the most successful man on earth.

Need proof?

No matter how you, me, or those 3 other examples are right now, they will all die.

They will all go through tragedy and situations that lead to the end of their life.

And on the way there, they will endure tragedy and loss and discomfort, even if they are sitting in a plushy chair in a villa overlooking the sea.

We will always feel discomfort every day, even if minor.

That discomfort is not always a sign that something is wrong.

Much of the time it is just part of the human experience.

If, while I am here in Ericeira, I spend the time working wishing I was out exploring, it may sound rational, because I am in a cool new place.

But then I am spending that time wishing it was the future moment,

And I lose the present one.

Also, I have time set aside to explore.

But If I don’t focus on my work during work hours, I’ll have a higher likelihood of spending my free, adventurous time thinking about the work I didn’t do.

I am even inclined to do that even if I do spend my focused hours working, because there is always more to do and to feel uncomfortable that it didn’t get done.

This wishing sounds rational, because it was us wanting to not experience discomfort.

Yet, it is the cause of the discomfort.

The reality is that even if I chose to stay inside and work all 6 weeks of the time I am here in Portugal…

Even if I saw nothing new here and didn’t adventure or explore AT ALL…

Even if I cam home and people said wow “Who did you meet? Where did you go? What did you see?”

And my answer was, “My clients and my work, the gym, yoga studio, and my office, my laptop, my books, and the back of my eye-lids while I was sleeping”…

They might respond, “Wow, what a waste of a trip, didn’t you want to explore and do new things? Wasn’t that uncomfortable being in such a cool place and not experiencing any of it?”

I could say, “Yes, it was a bit uncomfortable sometimes, but that was the way I decided to spend my time, and therefore it was the perfect way to spend my time.”

Because it is not the lack of the perfect location,

Or the perfect work,

Or the perfect relationships or adventures or hobbies,

None of it.

It is the subconscious wishing that I was somewhere else, doing something else, or in another time because of the experience of some current discomfort that leads me to reenter the negative feedback loops filled with misaligned consumptive behaviors and anxiety.

So now here in Portugal I recognize that the root of the issue is the wishing.

I’m a bit sore right now, I haven’t surfed or explored as much as I would like, I have not finished quite as much work as I would like, or met as many of the type of people I’d like to yet…

So many things are causing me minor, medium, and even major discomfort right now

But it is my choice to decide whether where I am is okay or not.

And for now, I have decided that it is.

There is no more correct place than here and now.

And that thought extends to all things:

When I am cleaning dishes or taking out the trash here in my Airbnb.

Or doing boring administrative work that I wish I had already delegated.

If something needs to be done, I decide that it is the most correct and enjoyable thing I could be doing.

Right now this is it.

There could be someone wandering around time giving out free money.

There could be a massive local festival.

There could be perfect waves with no one out.

This is still the most correct place for me to be.

Speaking to you.

Nothing else compares.

There is no reason to wish I was somewhere else.

When this moment is over I can decide what to do next.

But right now, I am here.

When I remind myself of this my mind changes.

It stops fighting.

It accepts that this is what we are doing.

It stops trying to escape.

It follows.

“But that’s not true for things that are genuinely not enjoyable or actually harmful or unproductive.”

“You can’t just delude yourself into enjoying everything.”

“What if I’m in a dead end job.”

“You want me to just accept a life of boredom.”

Wrong.

You choose what is enjoyable.

If you tell yourself something sucks it will always suck.

Think about the last time you did something boring and after a few minutes you got into it.

Time passed.

It became somewhat enjoyable.

You felt good afterward.

It became enjoyable when you stopped fighting it.

We can find enjoyment in mundane tasks.

If we allow ourselves to.

Enjoyment is a decision not an inherent trait.

Think through the opposite to prove my point:

You go out with friends to do something fun.

Halfway through you want to go home.

“Man I wish I stayed in so I could get better sleep”

Wishing again…

I agree it is not okay to stay in a misaligned position or life forever.

The point here is not to be satisfied with a shit situation.

If you are in a position that you want to change, you should work toward changing it.

But during the moments where you have to do something you don’t exactly want to do, if you fight yourself on those things, that is still a decision.

Every job has boring parts.

It is your choice whether you accept those parts or resist them.

This is not about long term delusion.

It is about removing the fight with your mind’s desire to be somewhere else.

And the longer I go down this path…

The things I used to avoid became more enjoyable.

Because I spend more of my time improving my situation instead of escaping it.

Even when “improving my situation” means doing things I don’t love or am not good at or am uncomfortable while doing.

If I continue to wish I was somewhere else I will fight my mind and move toward behaviors that numb that feeling.

If I decide that I am in the right place doing the right thing I can be present.

I give myself a higher probability of feeling fulfilled and content no matter what discomforts are present.

So if you’re in a physical or emotional place like I was in that stale office, just wishing that I was somewhere else and in doing so, leading myself away from my focus, peace, and presence, and toward consumptive behaviors like scrolling, snacking, and avoiding

I highly recommend you make just one small change.

Take a postcard or a piece of paper or your notes app and just write the following down:

“I am in the right place, doing the right thing.”

Bring it out and read it a couple times today.

See what happens to the present moment when you stop wishing the present moment was gone.

And if that grounds you, even just a bit, and you want to learn how to further increase your capacity to move through discomforts so that you spend more time doing the things you want or intend to without spending so much time hesitating, procrastinating, or doubting yourself, reach out.

I can help you build more resilient focus so you can spend more of your time more efficiently pursuing your goals in a value-aligned way.